Needing Mom

Dear Ivy,

I have been thinking about you a lot in recent days. I think what triggered it was a conversation with friends where we were joking about the fact our son came home to stay for a few days while he got over the worst of a new head cold. He said he did not want his girlfriend to catch it -- therefore he came home with apparently no thought to the fact he could infect the three of us living here. In his book, health of girlfriend ranks above health of parents and brother.

We joked about it (privately, of course) but I think his coming home was more basic: he wanted to be taken care of by his mommies. His first day home he asked if we would make him soup, and quite obviously expected to be fussed over. Although I would roll my eyes, when my back was turned to him, I could also not help thinking about the fact it was only in recent years I stopped wishing for my mommy when I became ill. It surprised me to realize I no longer have that visceral reaction to being ill. When did it cease? Probably when I had to place you in a nursing home.

Although you had been ill for years prior to that, you were still living at home and I could visit you there and you were still, for me, home. Now, I visit you in a place where you are one of many and I have to keep abreast of the particulars of your daily existence: Are you eating solids? Have you lost weight? Do you have any bedsores? The act of being the caretaker has changed my emotional response to getting sick. Now my soul does not long for you to take care of me, it simply longs for communication...a conversation.

My dear, dear Ivy, you have been the best of friends and the most loving and caring of parents. I know you love my letters and save them and I love writing to you -- even if you never read them.

I love you always.

TC